The Distance Between Us: How Going to Bed Together Can Improve Your Relationship
Relationships are built on shared moments of intimacy, connection, and understanding. But what happens when the physical closeness that once seemed natural starts to fade? Many couples find themselves navigating the “distance between us”—not just emotionally but physically as well. One of the most overlooked aspects of physical intimacy in relationships is the simple act of going to bed together.
It might seem like a small detail, but studies show that going to bed at the same time can significantly impact the health and happiness of a relationship. If your partner always comes to bed later than you, or leaves for work before you wake up, that sense of closeness can be disrupted, potentially affecting the quality of your connection.
The Science Behind Bedtime Closeness
Several studies point to the importance of shared routines, particularly around sleep, in fostering closeness and satisfaction in relationships:
Going to Bed Together Enhances Connection: According to research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, couples who go to bed at the same time report higher levels of marital satisfaction. The simple act of sharing the same bedtime offers an opportunity for intimate conversations, cuddling, and winding down together, which can improve the quality of your relationship.
Oxytocin and Physical Closeness: Known as the “love hormone,” oxytocin is released when we physically touch someone we care about, such as through cuddling, hand-holding, or sex. Going to bed together allows for moments of physical touch that can increase oxytocin levels, reducing stress and boosting feelings of closeness and bonding.
The Impact of Shared Sleep Cycles: A study from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine found that couples who synchronise their sleep cycles—going to bed and waking up around the same time—tend to experience better quality sleep and feel more connected emotionally. When sleep cycles are misaligned, it can disrupt these shared moments, leading to feelings of disconnection.
The Emotional Benefits of Bedtime Rituals
While the physical act of going to bed together is important, the emotional benefits are equally significant. For many couples, bedtime is a chance to reconnect at the end of a busy day—a sacred time when you can be together without distractions. Here’s why this ritual matters:
Uninterrupted Conversation Time: Before bed, you have the opportunity to engage in meaningful conversations. This can be as simple as sharing the highs and lows of your day, expressing gratitude for one another, or even just whispering sweet nothings. These moments of connection before sleep can increase intimacy and understanding in the relationship.
A Time for Vulnerability and Comfort: The period before falling asleep is often when couples feel most relaxed and open. It’s a time when you can let down your guard, be vulnerable, and offer comfort to one another. This closeness can help strengthen emotional bonds and create a deeper sense of intimacy.
A Consistent Opportunity for Closeness: In the hustle of daily life, finding consistent opportunities to connect can be challenging. By going to bed together, you create a ritual that prioritises your relationship and ensures that you have a regular touchpoint to nurture your bond.
Bridging the Gap: How to Create Closeness Before Bed
If you find that you and your partner have different schedules or preferences for bedtime, here are a few ways to create closeness and maintain intimacy, even if you don’t always go to bed together:
Establish a Pre-Bedtime Routine Together: Whether it’s brushing your teeth together, having a cup of tea, or a 10-minute chat about your day, create a short routine that you both commit to before one of you heads to bed.
Find Moments of Physical Closeness: Even if your partner stays up later, make time for physical touch before you fall asleep. This could be a hug, a kiss, or simply holding hands for a few minutes.
Leave Each Other Notes or Messages: If your partner leaves for work before you wake up, leaving little notes of appreciation or sending a morning message can maintain a sense of closeness throughout the day.
Create Intentional “Cuddle Time”: Set aside time during the week to cuddle, relax, and talk. This could be on the couch after dinner or a scheduled “cuddle session” before one partner stays up to finish work.
The simple act of being heard, seen, and understood can make a world of difference in how we feel in our relationships. At Hear. You., we recognise that these small moments of closeness are the building blocks of a healthy, connected partnership. If you're feeling disconnected or struggling with creating physical or emotional closeness with your partner, having a safe space to talk through these challenges is essential.
Whether you’re working through relationship difficulties, feeling isolated, or needing someone to listen without judgment, we’re here for you. We understand that every story is unique, and we aim to support you as you navigate the ups and downs of your relationship, offering compassionate listening to help you reconnect and find a path forward.